I was 16 and I was bloody hungry. All the time. I was on a "ban" from doing too much more reading and diving and experimental rituals and the such by none other than Lucifer Himself. I was sucked in right well and I was simply hellbent on finding out more and ignoring my problems around me.
I was utterly convinced that just one more book, one more ritual, one more try, one more spell or just a little bit more information would surely hold the answer to what I needed to really do in order to solve the shit situation my life was in.
My stress, my frustrations, my emotions most of all. I needed them to resolve themselves in some sort of way. Moral of story is that it was all things I did not have control over and there was utterly nothing I could do to stop things, people, or what was happening. I needed to learn to be resilient and stalwart in the turbulence.
So I thought for several months while I was embargoed on being able to perform any successful spell or ritual and found escapism in other books. And I re-read the King in Yellow. It was a shabby old dusty thing with a dark cover and almost abstract motifs of gold crowns upon the cover. At the bottom there was a faint gold mask.
And I got thinking.
And I went shopping. I got yellow candles. Gold and black themed things. A plate. I thought about it and I stayed my hand but I thought about it. And finally I was pushed in a way where I knew that meditation was the best solution for the immediate circumstances I was in. I wanted relief and I wanted to relax. So I did.
And I found Cryo Chamber which had just been around for about a year.
And I picked something random.
And on a whim, I tried to think of how I imagined Caracosa. I imagined the King in Yellow and how that would feel or look to me. I imagined my life as one huge stage. A theater stage. And how I wanted less of this and more control over the play that was being acted out. I wanted the script or the playwright itself. I wanted something to lean into so I could navigate better.
What I got was more… academic. The play was part of it. But it was one part of a much, much grander scheme. Hastur made full contact with me.
And I was not sure what to do. It was so incredibly unique of a feeling that there was an authenticity to it in a way of: "You know when you see it."
I tried to be polite and humble myself. I mean, his title was The King after all, and while he received it well enough, it was made clear that it was not entirely needed to be overly lavish. Treating him with due respect was expected and required. But he still was an entity of "People".
But the King in Yellow was incredibly gracious and polite. I was invited on walks and to discuss what it is I believed I knew and what I believed I wanted. And I was asked far more questions than mine got answers for.
Eventually we came upon an agreement. I agreed to perform some rituals on behalf of the King in Yellow, and my situation would smooth out. Moreso, "The strain you feel will diminish to nothing."
I was suspicious and he told me that was wise. And left the offer open. If I chose to perform the rituals then I did. If I did not, then no big deal.
I opted to do them after a few weeks of contemplation. I was fed up. And 16. Add those details up and I chose to carry through with it.
Long story short, I was put through the wringer in a way that had me scrambling desperately to keep everything together and keep certain secrets from my family that revolved around some broken traditions and me loosing the remains of my great great uncle in a horrible trade I made with a woman in Gdańsk and getting lost in the wood for two days.
These two days were filled with a frustrating trial of time and my ability to navigate sharp moors and deep hills and trees on horseback. It was not my most graceful of times. But it also was my most quiet, as I said not a word to anything or spoke aloud during the deepest of my lost hours. I had ate what I had packed with me for my trail ride over the last 15 hours of being lost and had no concept of time by the time I was found/found my way back.
By the time I got home and everything had settled in a way that was what I could loosely call "stable", I had become so desensitized to the entire situation that I had previously been in that I had absolutely been given plenty of tools to no longer give a damn about certain things. But in the duration of my isolation I became addicted to the isolation. I had nothing with me but what I had set out with and a very heavy horse who was my only company and alarm for predators such as bears.
I was in shock by the sounds of human life and craved the silence once more. In that I sought out the King in Yellow. I asked to meet. I slept beneath the stars one night and it was not the King in Yellow that answered me. It was something else. Something else came to me in the form of a headless man, dashing clothes and shadowy smoke billowing from the neck in a strange and curved nature.
I met Nyarlathotep.
He offered me access to the Dreamlands through the augur of Cthulhu. Told me to seek the dream itself through which Cthulhu resided. To find the High Priest. I did.
I ended up working off and on with N and Hastur. At the slight displeasure of both who dislike one another. But aside from sarcastic remarks and bantering they never interacted with one another and allowed me to work with them both off and on as I needed but never together.
I perfected some rituals to invoke them and learned their sigils and their symbols. I became familiar with their words and their incense and their colours.
I learned how they felt and feel and react when invoked. And I am always startled as to how incredibly quickly they arrive when called.
And to this day I still am testing things and working through things but I work plenty with Hastur, Nyarlathotep, Mother Shub-Niggurath, and Cthulhu. But I spend most of my time with Cthulhu and Nyarlathotep.
I have intention to write more about how each of these Elder/Outer Gods behaves toward me and my experiences with them and their nuances and their Avatars when time affords me. But for now this is just an introduction to how I myself began and what has pulled me into working with Eldritch Deities.